Freeflowing Information

With some help and work, I discovered recently that when I do not express what is on my mind and in my heart, I feel the overwhelm.

This was surprising, yet it makes total sense to me.  It is like I am/was pushing my stuff down and not allowing for a release. Albeit it is gradual, not sudden for the most part.

What is challenging about this is noticing it and being aware when I am in the now, in the moment that is.

This is where I tend to be in survival mode and do not want to deal with my stuff.  I’m not shut down in these moments. But still…

It’s more like I’m moving ahead and not letting things stop me.  Let’s call it my “Plow through this shit” tactic.  I know, sorry about the cursing.It’s just the expression of how the experience feels to me.

So now, I ask myself what do I need to do, feel or have for it to be OK for me to stop in these moments and address my individual needs before I become consumed and overwhelmed?

First, it will take me some time to practice noticing when this occurs for me.  Perhaps a feeling of anxiousness or business will come up for me.  And I can look at this thing, this living, breathing beating thing and ask what it needs from me.  “What do you need me to do? How can I help you?”

But the noticing will come first…along with the journaling and awareness of this as part of my self.

More to come soon on this….peace and love until then.

As of recent, my metaphorical plate has felt very full.  Big sigh.

It feels to me that regardless of how often and consistently I  set my boundaries that there is so much to do, both at work and at home.

I feel that I cannot get a break. And I’m thoroughly exhausted from doing it alone.

Boundaries have been an issue for me, as long as I can remember.  Several years back, I did some work on boundaries, but I remember thinking that it would be a life long process.

Was I ever right!

This is the first time I am looking actively at these particular feelings and at how this phenomena presents for me.   It is more complex that I am willing to express at the moment.  It is not the simple black and white, but it is very textured with deep, light and purple shades of gray of all depths and size.

With that in mind, my game plan for exploring this subject is to do the following:

1. Keep my blog posts shorter all around.

2.Take this process step by step, however that might look for me.

3.Share this experience with everyone-the intellectual and emotional parts too.

4.Focus on continuing to deal with frustrations as they come up (more on that later).

5.Put my intentions on being, living, breathing, and creating happiness.

So, I wonder do other people feel like this?  What do they do to ease the angst and stress?  If you don’t feel this way, do you know what you do to cope in a healthy way?  This of course besides getting a massage, going on vacation, eating chocolate, sleeping, yoga…I do need all of these things in my life, perhaps an extra dose is what I want and need to order.

Receiving information indirectly, passively and from the side is painful for me. Such as it is painful, I would prefer to not have this happen.

Sooooo……I’m going to do some minor work below, that I have done with recent readings of Non-violent communication Techniques and work to have some resolution to my need, for me.  It might seem weird at first but hopefully it’s not….

I realize it is not my problem when someone does not express something in a direct, kind, gentle and open way to me. Nor is it my problem if they feel that they cannot express something in this way.

Nevertheless, I receive/feel the message indirectly and it hurts. Why?

Initial response is anger and disappointment. How dare he or she say that about me (in any way, shape or form)! I am sad, hurt and distraught. I feel attacked,yet it is done so in a way that throws me off balance.
I feel lied to because I was not given the message, but was led to believe the message was about something else.

Woaa, I don’t even know if it’s about me. Maybe whatever is communicated is about something or someone else. But still. It feels so right that it’s about me versus something else. A coincidence, I think not.

And funny enough it feels worse that I wasn’t told this directly, even if it had been sugar coated or with sharp edges and evil eyes.

Why didn’t he/she/they tell me this was going on for them? Now I feel silly and soooo sad. I didn’t know they felt like that.

Why do I feel bad? I feel a backlash, while also a slap in the face. I feel like someone’s trying to give me a message and it feels unkind and not gentle in the least bit, like a tsunami! I feel punished for expressing myself and attempting to get my needs met by someone that is not available. Which wasn’t communicated to me, so how would I know this.

BUT Wait, here it is in a nutshell. I feel hurt b/c it’s like someone is talking, thinking or intending upon/to me in a negative way, but they can’t tell me straight up/direct how they feel. Translated to something like, “backstabbing” but I don’t have a word for it. Am I not good enough? It’s like gossip is for/to any woman at any age.

He, she,they feel that they are not entitled to feel this way or think this way, let alone to directly express this to someone else or me!

However, to take care of my own needs and be true to myself, first I recognize that the whole of if it doesn’t feel good to me….especially since I experience this communication negatively and passively.

Using some of my newly learned NVC techniques, I would come up with the following diagram to give meaning to the interaction and to demonstrate my own accountability.

Observation: Someone I am close with indirectly communicated something on an open/social software sight about me, in a negative light alluded to me….in such a way…And then denied doing so when confronted gently albeit directly by me,”Is there something you would like to talk with me about? If so, just let me know. ”

How do I feel? When this happens I often feel hurt..betrayed…confused…defenseless…indirectly attacked, sans knowledge or defensive measures….unjustly treated…backstabbed…

What is my need? Optimally to know when someone can or can’t be there for me to listen or be supportive.   This includes having someone set boundaries with me.  As much kind, gentle direct communication as possible…with some love and empathy and of course compassion.  I need less indirect communication and more direct communicating.  I need to have someone tell me, “I’m not that deep.  I don’t feel comfortable talking about this.  Maybe you can talk to someone else about this.  Thanks for understanding and I’m sorry I can be who and what you need right now.  It doesn’t lessen how much I care for you.  I’m not what you need because I can’t meet this need of yours, as much as I would like to help you. ”

Action required: If possible I would say, “If a note or a conversation feels uncomfortable for you, please let me know.  It would be helpful for me to have you say, “No.” When you mean that you aren’t available to do or be something.  I feel confused and strung along when this information is not communicated to me because I can’t discern that you mean no when you say yes or maybe.  Thank you for understanding and listening.”

This is interesting work….something new to me but very helpful as I engage in this process.